Mistakes & Heartaches
by CHASING STARS
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Digital Album
SPENCER TUCKERMAN is CHASING STARS
Immediate download of 18-track album in your choice of 320k mp3, FLAC, or just about any other format you could possibly desire.Free Download
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Despair [ft Tricks]
02:41
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A.W.O.L. [Album Version]
02:56
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Cataracts
05:11
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Under My Covers
04:02
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[words.] Oh So Close
01:28
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All This & Wonderland
05:19
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Cryptic
03:59
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Silence.
00:29
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Where To Go...
04:54
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[words.] Eyes Wide Shut
01:06
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All I Have
03:13
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[words.] Be Alright
01:17
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[bonus.]
07:12
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about
note: this album is not for everyone. firstly, i would like to say that i am passed this time in my life. i wouldn't be talking so openly if this was something i was still struggling with. i am much better now and i basically see this album as the ending of this particular chapter of my life. second, music-wise it isn't for everyone. the music is made to transport you to my mindstate during that particular time. if you don't respect it on a musical basis, at least respect it on a passion basis. because i put A LOT of myself into this album. thirdly, 90% of these songs were written over a year ago. fourthy, i do not (nor have i ever) claimed to have a singing voice. i had to sing on some of this songs because it only made sense. i had to make sure they sounded exactly the way they do in my head. now that that's out of the way...
overview: this album has been brewing in my head for over 2 years now. as you may know, for a person with A.D.D., having an idea stick for over 2 years is remarkable... but let's get serious... in 2008 i was diagnosed with depression and clinical anxiety. it was one of those things i instantly knew i had when someone described what depression was like. my cousin cameron has it too (which turned out to be one of the biggest blessings ever.) and we talked about it and came to the conclusion that i should go see a doctor. they put me on prozac (like any doctor would.) and sent me on my way. well, as it turns out, there's a small portion of prozac patients who will actually receive adverse effects from the drug. well guess what...
overview: this album has been brewing in my head for over 2 years now. as you may know, for a person with A.D.D., having an idea stick for over 2 years is remarkable... but let's get serious... in 2008 i was diagnosed with depression and clinical anxiety. it was one of those things i instantly knew i had when someone described what depression was like. my cousin cameron has it too (which turned out to be one of the biggest blessings ever.) and we talked about it and came to the conclusion that i should go see a doctor. they put me on prozac (like any doctor would.) and sent me on my way. well, as it turns out, there's a small portion of prozac patients who will actually receive adverse effects from the drug. well guess what...
credits
released 16 November 2010
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discography
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Jun 2012 -
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Sep 2010
contact / help
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- Track Name: [intro.] Mistakes & Heartaches
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V1:
I feel all alone
abandoned in this world
sayin how I feel
yet still misunderstood
like no one is around
to guide me thru the haze
i'm so lost here
been wanderin for days
my brain's shuttin down
rather than handle
this pain in my head
that's got my life in shambles
the only way to cope
is to write it how it is
then I have the hope
that I might get outta this
I might return to normal
like back when I was young
those moments you remember
when you watch the setting sun
i'm not the only one
in this world but it feels like it
im beggin for attention
but they act like i'm hidin
CHORUS:
mistakes and heartaches
the story of my life
like someone stepped in
and turned off the lights
i'm in the darkness
staring at the wall
thats still growing taller
and bound to fall
V2:
will the storms ever end?
Will the rain subside?
Will joy creep in
and replace the pain inside?
Can I confide
in you for a minute?
I'm sick of my life
and the pain thats in it
the sky's fallin down
all around me
if anyone was lookin
they sure woulda found me
in the bottom of this pit
trapped and cant get out
these walls are so thick
the world cant hear me shout
the doctors try to help
cut down on the pain
sometimes I swear
they're making me insane
it continues to rain
right down upon me
and i'm freezing cold
and my life is disbonding
CHORUS
V3:
I had my pain
I paid my dues
but this game goes on
and I continue to lose
and I sing the blues
just to distract me
from all of this crap
in my life that is happening
i'm suffocating
and I gasp for air
poke my head above the water
but nothing is there
nothing but blackness
this void in my soul
I used to have a heart
now its just a gaping hole
and I cant control
the things that i've been feeling
all I can do is pray
so I just keep kneeling
askin for some help
to hold back the flood
i'm drowning in something
something is my blood
CHORUS (2x) - Track Name: A.W.O.L. [Album Version]
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V1:
sittin' in the darkness, in my zone
except for the moonm i'm all alone
my brain hurts. this aint funny.
will I see the age of twenty?
out the window it looks dreary
my mind's growning dark and weary
if I fall, will they catch me?
If I die, will they miss me?
V2:
sittin on the roof. blowin smoke.
dreamin about tryin coke
blackin out, the pain is gone
feelin like the devil's won
wish I could fly off this planet
i wish I could go back, I took it for granted
close my eyes, I see the rain
I think I might blow out my brains - Track Name: Cataracts
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V1:
last night I dreamt about you
and I just can't believe
how you forgot about me
and what we used to be
so i stare at the pavement
and I rack my brain,
wonderin' how I got so used to
standing in the rain
last night I dreamt about you
and I just can't believe
how you forgot about me
and what we used to be
so i stare at the pavement
and I rack my brain,
wonderin' how I got so used to
standing in the rain - Track Name: [words.] Oh So Close
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V1:
oh so close is like the motto of my life
like when i came oh-so-close to walking into the light
and i try my best but i'm clinically depressed
and i can only breathe so deep with this hole in my chest
and my head's like the ozone erodin' right here
and my brain's leaking out thru the hole in my sphere
and my future seems clear until the clouds come in
and my life rewinds, and i relapse again
V2:
my eyes red like i'm high, i just haven't slept in 3 weeks
cause i met the devil and he lives in my sheets
and i'm tired but i can't sleep so i stare at the ceiling
and plan out my new life while i figure out the real thing
and not as bad as a i make it seem
well maybe it is.
i just wish that i could dream
or i wish that i could scream.
but i misplaced my vocal cords.
on that night i cut myself up and hid under the floorboards
V3:
the piano plays in the corner.
my brain twitches in my skull.
the curtains slide closed, the knife in my hand grows dull
and the hole in my chest is starting to heal
but it still burns beneath my shirt to remind me of this ordeal
a knock at the front door.
but nobody's there.
just the lamppost at the corner of the front yard that's bare.
and the moon shines down to cast a shadow on the grass.
and my heart finally slows, maybe it's over at last. - Track Name: All This & Wonderland
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V1:
I close my eyes and the terror begins
into the rabbit hole my imagination spins
its like a sick game that i've been forced to play
its like a horror movie that just wont go away
where will it lead me? I dont know
wherever it is I must fight for my soul
so as the mad hatter laughs I scream for help
no one's around to hear this is my personal hell
V2:
its late evening at the railroad tracks
my legs are broken, i'm lyin on my back
my head is throbbin, I cant move
I fight with the devil and I always lose
as the tracks vibrate, I look up to see
the end of my life charging straight at me
the whistle blows and my eyes are blinded
I scream for help. but I can never find it
V3:
the nightmare continues when I awake
in my mouth, the taste of blood and duct tape
on the old dirt road, i'm in the back seat
I can hardly see but the driver's laughing
the sun is setting on this beautiful landscape
but i'm tied down there is no escape
the station wagon stops. the back doors open
I shut my eyes tight, in my mind i'm floatin.
V4:
welcome to the blackout. my own twisted fate
I follow the white rabbit, and still I show up late
on this black sea i'm floating as life passes me by
I pray for god to save me, as I watch the sky
water sprays my face and my vision starts to dim
the the mad hatter's at the door, tryin to get in
I take one last breath, into the sea I sink
my mind is drifting all the way to the brink
V5:
to satisfy my family I paint the roses red
but all this paint cant hide all these demons in my head
the queen of hearts is watching, waiting for my fall
im so lost and numb I cant feel the ground at all
I hobble down the runway and stare at the judge's seat
I try to fight this battle but I end up with defeat
the cheshire cat is watching, laughing loud at me
my soul is in pain, crying quietly.
V6:
just how deep does the rabbit hole go?
will this life ever make sense? somebody has to know.
as the mad hatter watches, I sit here and weep
my demons they surround me, and i'm too afraid to sleep
I jumped down this hole, but i'm done with this game
the night, the day, the sun, the moon, becoming all the same
so as the demons float above and contemplate their plan
I play down here. in my own wonderland. - Track Name: Cryptic
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V1:
the first days of fall make the skies turn gray
and I sit back and watch, pretending im okay
its like this monotony is just stuck on replay
and im the main character without the screenplay
I feel like holden in the catcher and the rye
ill wander around aimlessly until the day I die
so as the birds fly by ill lay down here
cause i'm too scared to move, and i'm crippled by fear
V2:
the first days of winter make the sky turn white
and I make a snow angel like i'm trying to take flight
trying to get right this life that I have wrecked
first step to healing is to sit back and refelct
so as I lay in the snow and contemplate my fate
the dark clouds set in. I got too much on my plate
as the cold air drifts, so do my thoughts
will I make it out of this hell? Will I survive or not?
V3:
the first days of spring make the sky turn blue
as the clouds dissapear, the sun shines thru
and as the snow melts away, so does my pain
and hope rains down like that warm spring rain
my soul longs for a little bit of joy
something i've been missing since I was a little boy
now that i've found it, my mind can rest easy
and now that I wrote it, you know it hurts to be me - Track Name: Pill Bottle Coffin [Prozac Nightmares]
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V1:
and when the devil comes knockin'
tell him i'm buried in my pill bottle coffin
my pill bottle coffin
tell him i'm buried in my pill bottle coffin - Track Name: [words.] The Stockholm Syndrome
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V1:
My mind turns left, instead of right I turn wrong
and like blood in a bottle I pour words in a song
and I twist and I turn as it eats me alive
and brings back the memories of nights when I cried
the nights full of pain, the days full of rain
the hope in my heart but the hate in my brain
I hate where I am, I want where i'll be
and my mind's eye goes blind the more I try to see
V2:
I puke out my thoughts, but I keep the pain
and soak it in deep like a sponge in the rain
I make it a part of the person I am
the person you see in this hole that I stand
the past has made me what I am today
and the present takes me back even though I wanna stay
the future waits like a far off dream
and then the past comes back to make my soul scream
V3:
they can pull the medication but cant pull me out this hell
and my body went into shock from all the miles I fell
and the stockholm syndrome buries into my brain
and the door swings open but I sit in my pain
i sit here and wait for the ever-present past
to reveal itself to me, and bring it all back
I fell in love, in love with the pain
save yourself the sunshine, i'm used to the rain - Track Name: [words.] Eyes Wide Shut
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V1:
with my eyes wide shut, I watch the sky
and I dream of peace without her by my side
i'm sitting here alone in this big empty house
as I fret about the future and look for a way out
its saturday nite, 7 o clock
and i'm here alone, in my sorrow i'm locked
if she had the key, I doubt she would say
and if she had the choice, I doubt she would stay
V2:
three songs later and i'm still buggin out
if this isnt helping, there isn't a way out
I look thru my phone, but no one gets me
there's no reachin out, there is no venting
so I bottle my emotions, and I cant hold much more
I sit in the dark, and I lock the door
with my eyes wide shut, I can see thru the pain
with my eyes wide shut, I can see past the rain
V3:
with my eyes wide shut, I stare at the wall
that i've mananged to keep up, that wont ever fall
no one has bothered to break it down
and I scream for help and they dont hear a sound
my condition is morphine that numbs me to pain
at the same time its a dagger, stuck right in my brain
I dont understand it, or why it picked me
all I can say, is that it's not easy - Track Name: All I Have
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V1:
All I have on this earth is a handful of dreams
and a heart full of love thats still not clean
and a notebook of songs that'll make you think
and just a few things that'll save me from the brink
like a fistful of hope, that I cant let slip
and bandage in my pocket, for when the blood starts to drip
the the sky in my eyes and hope on my mind
and I stare at the sun, like i'm tryin to go blind
CHORUS:
I do have joy, I do have hope
but I also got the pain and the end of my rope
and I once had happy and I once saw the sun
but now its dark, into the shadows I run
V2:
all I got left is this knot in my chest
thoughts in my head that sure ain't the best
and a tall stack of problems written out like a poem
and I never really left, but I wanna go home
I wanna be free from mental tyranny
I want I knife and a gun for when satan finds me
and I want what I had, and I want what I lost
and I want my sanity, whatever it costs
CHORUS
V3:
I want what I had, what I had in the past
cause I didnt hold it close, it went out with the trash
all I have is joy, thats not happiness
and now I want it back. I want what I miss
i'm sick of bittersweet, just like this song
every success is here, and right then its gone
I want my dreams but I dont wanna wait
I want the sunrise now, before its too late
CHORUS - Track Name: [words.] Be Alright
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V1:
I keep my wallet in my pocket. its as empty as my heart
no matter when I leave this earth, i'm glad I could take part
you see the twists and turns and ups and downs make us who we are
and in spite of all of them, I still made it this far
you see, God gives us struggles to show us we can make it
that when we find a way out, he'll pick us up and take it
i'm not tryin to be insightful. just bring a little honesty
all i'm sayin is I made the pain a part of me
CHORUS:
the pain, the pain, the pain
the pain is all I see
some nights I lay awake and it stares back at me
but with god in my heart and freedom in my sights
I can make it out, and maybe be alright
V2:
I keep the pain in my head to keep it from my heart
pain is like a poison that can rip you apart
chew you up and spit you out, and isolate your soul
some nights I cry and swear to god i'm sliding down this hole
and now I gotta reach up just to touch rock bottom
you ask if I fixed myself? Nope. the problems, I still got em
but with the help of hope, and the love in my heart
I can make it outta hell I have my brand new start
CHORUS - Track Name: [outro.] Devil In My Rearview
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V1:
i used to dream of foggy freeways at 4 in the morning
i never had to hit the brakes, the devil did it for me
and i got these eyes starin' at me in the rearview
i'm doing 105 and my shirt is finally bleeding thru
but it's funny how God always seems to work it out
you wake up from the storm and the sun is coming out
i mean the pain will never end. but neither will the love
and my story's never over but i'm livin' for above
BRIDGE:
the devil's in my rearview, don't you forget it.
---
UN-RELEASED VERSE 2:
and hindsight's 20/20, the only way i can see
that i need to tell my story just so i can breathe
so i can empty my mind, and leave space for love,
the joy, the pain, the happiness, and all of the above
what's in the past is in the past, you gotta let it go
you gotta learn from it, rejoice, and let it show
and i know for sure that i'm a better person cuz i lived it
the devil's in my rearview, don't you forget it
